Patience and Tolerance

Good friends are hard to find,

harder to leave,

and impossible to forget.

THE FAMILY DOG

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with 
your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful 
for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can do all these things . . . . .

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG.

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
 If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, andFrisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter
remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build
her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play
and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think
of your behavior is yet another story).

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you
get.

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before
work.

You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog
needs her walk.

You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you
need to go home and see your dog.

Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a
hike (both days).

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case
your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down
on the first floor...).

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog
gets a taste, too).

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places
around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the
kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your
significant other.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there
are nose-prints all over the inside.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but
she understands.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not
immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your
dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be
comfortable.

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than
go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of
the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your
dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for
pick-ups pops out.

You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.

You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the
front so you have room for crates...

The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.

You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think
nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.

You have six squeaky hedgehogs... but only 1 with a squeaky that
works.

You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for movie night.

You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck
to it...

When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single
picture of a two-legged person in it...

People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes; they
realize it is a hopeless case.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of
your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely
human.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog
is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can
use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit
hip-deep in water.

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

Your jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels.

Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name
is Best of Breed.

Your house isn't carpeted--the fuzzy furballs under your feet are
soft enough...

Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the
pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"

Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.

You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on
your dog to give a quick run through on your own hair.

At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before
putting it on the table.

You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed
magazine you know you will find them there.

You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.

You have dog toys and treats in your briefcase.

You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your
dogs but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to
grandma.

You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if
your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make
the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog
into the shinny, new vehicle to make sure it works!

You can't get the groceries in the car because its
A) already full of dog food
B) you have that big old crate in there.